On My Side Of The World: May 2012

My mom and I share a love-hate-and-more-hate relationship. This is kind of ironic because being the youngest and the only girl in the family, my mom and I should be bestfriends. Actually, we are. No, we're more than that--soulmates, I must say. But most of the time we can't stand each other. I remember my brother would say, "Hindi talaga pwedeng matapos ang araw na hindi kayo nagaaway," while my mom shout at me because I was still sleeping at the table instead of having breakfast after she woke me up. Sometimes she would scold at me for going home with my socks dirt-brown from playing chinese garter and 10-20 at school, or for having lunch left-overs (w/c btw looked really untouched-lol). Other days, she would nag me for being careless and irresponsible of my things, or for causing all the chaos inside our room. Yes, we're roommates too. I grew up not having my own room that I was already in the middle of my high school years when I push a little of my independence and demand to sleep on my own bed. Uhm. Well, still on the same room. During my highschool, I would Occasionally hate her for not being a cool mom and let me attend the Disco (how old and baduy it sounds now-lol) on the last day of our Intrams--for the entire four years! For not allowing me buy my own stuff when it doesn't have her approval. For overly analyzing a lot of things I do. And for just too many more reasons why I became so dependent on her. You see, all my life, I was a mother's girl even if not a day would pass without us hating each other for some petty reasons I'm sure you all share too. It's just so funny now remembering those days. I was such a little problem child.

But I love her like no other. I even get to the point where I ask myself how can I feel such a strong emotion towards someone who, almost all days of my life I hate? Or maybe hate is too strong of a word to fit on this. I think, dislike is a better one (ugh word crisis here). But well, of course, how could you love someone if you do not know how to hate them right? It's just that on days that I strongly loathe her for some shallow, funny reason, I would feel uncomfortable too. It's like I can't stay mad at her even if I lost the chance to dance with my crush on that dance she didn't allow me to attend to. You get the point? Some other kids could curse at their mom and swear to never talk to them anymore and be serious about it. I just can't.

Back then, I couldn't understand why she's trapping me too much on her arms. The saddest part is, I was too afraid to raise my issues and ask for a little indepence. Not until the night before my prom. Shit. I really wanna spare you the drama but let me share still, as my future reference for when my memory falters already. That night I tried, cried and braved. Because I feel like I'm missing too much of my teenage years not experiencing what my regular friends/ classmates do just because she's thinking too negatively on what might happen. And I got the most emotion-confusing answer. She doesn't want me to grow up just yet. Be still her baby, if possible, until she can.

And the rest was history. Chos.

I felt a surge of 'awww' but still couldn't understand it. Mixed emotion, still on the quest of understanding why.

And then I had my own kid. Yup, at the age of 21. With how I presented you since the beginning of this entry of how I am to my mom, you bet she was mortified. Far worst. But that's completely another subject. Being a mom now little by little I am beginning to understand the feeling. I cannot trade such love for my kid to any other feeling in the world. I mean it. It's overwhelming. Like the kind you don't ever expect to exist. Now I know why they say nothing is MORE PAINFUL than that of a mother loosing her child. Of course not that I experienced it, but see, even just the thought of it is unbearable. Those who knew me well could attest that I hate children and babies. Never a fan. Never patient enough. But that changed when I had Amber. If before I barely took notice of kids around me, now I fancy staring at them. I would always imagine Amber in them, big or small, cute or not--hahaha--I would often compare. Given that, I feel so affected seeing kids being neglected by their parents, or passing by a mother embarrasing her kid in public. I just don't get it. I guess I still haven't planned how will I discipline my daughter when she become too much to handle. But all I know now is I can't bear the thought of hurting her.

When I first had amber in my arms I didn't feel anything. Nothing like that of what they usually say a life-changing minute you'd feel seeing your baby for the very first time. I was darn guilty about it. Maybe I was just too groggy. Or tired, or for whatever reason I maybe overwhelmed by the whole thing. I just stared and said 'Heeeeey'. I guess it's really different from one mom to another. If others felt that infinite moment right away, mine was a little delayed. It's an everyday journey to knowing my child, myself and learning how to be mom all at the same time. And it's surprisingly fulfilling. I might not had that one moment in the delivery room but I have it every.single.day. It's actually an overwhelming feeling. I never imagine you could love someone this much. It's crazy. And did you ever actually know that a mother's prayer is the most powerful prayer? I can attest to that because Amber is such a revelation. Everyone seems to find joy in her, bringing smiles even to strangers. She's brimming with glee and amazement, always smiling and happy. The exact things I prayed she'd be. It's astonishing because that's just not me,Haha. and to think of what we've been through? Thank God.

It's not all cute and fun times with her, ofcourse there days when I feel exhausted and just wanted to quit. But I can't. And never will I live again not having Amber in my life.If then I was selfish who often than not thinks of my own convenience than that of the others. Who would think I'd change? I would now happily wander on infant/kids section wanting to buy everything cute instead of my usual route on shops I fancy. So not me!Hahaha Seriously, I think Amber's coming brought me to reality--that it's not about me all the time and that I need to grow up and own responsibilty. Someone's life is at my hands and I really have to be a responsible adult. If then I could just quit when things get rough, now I have to think of her first. It's all about Amber now. Being a mom makes me appreciate my own mom more. ` I am far from being a perfect mother because there isn't any. I still have a long way to go and I'll make mistakes along the way. That's why I am so grateful I have my mom beside me. She never left my side even on those times when I let her down the most. We may be enemies everyday but we are the bestest friends all our lives. She gave her all raising me and my brothers and still with me now doing most of the job raising my kid. Now I understand the feeling of being so protective of your child. Of being strong for somebody else. Of choosing to live rightly for someone's future. All my admirations and respect to you, ma. I can't do all these without you. We may be hating each other most of the time but we couldn't deny it that we can't live without each other. So please stay healthy and strong, for me and Amber. I am still yet to treat you to all the good things in life everybody knows you deserve.

So for everyone out there, appreciate your moms for you never knew what they have gone through for you. And you'll never get to understand them until you become mom yourselves. It's a tough job and it doesn't have any consolation but your love, respect and a good life in the future for when they are gone. They may be meddling in your life too much but they have every reason to. Because they love you and they just want the best for you. And for all the moms out there, you are doing a great job no man could ever do perfectly.