One day.

When there is just too much hurt, doubt and questions

When there are a lot of things running inside my head and I honestly couldn't keep up

When everyone else says move on and I just can't seem to take even one step forward

When I need to be strong for her but I cannot even stand up for myself

I do not know how I feel any more, if feeling is still valid. 

Royals by Lorde

I've never seen a diamond in the flesh

I cut my teeth on wedding rings in the movies

And I'm not proud of my address

In the torn up town, no post code envy

But every song's like:

Gold teeth

Grey Goose

Tripping in the bathroom

Bloodstains

Ball gowns

Trashing the hotel room

We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams

But everybody's like:

Crystal

Maybach

Diamonds on your timepiece

Jet planes

Islands

Tigers on a gold leash

We don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair

And we'll never be royals (royals)

It don't run in our blood

That kind of lux just ain't for us, we crave a different kind of buzz

Let me be your ruler (ruler)

You can call me queen bee

And baby I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule

Let me live that fantasy

My friends and I we've cracked the code

We count our dollars on the train to the party

And everyone who knows us knows

That we're fine with this, we didn't come from money

Read more: Lorde - Royals Lyrics | MetroLyrics



Just love, love, looooove this song for some reason I don't even get. 

xx, 
Raine 

#notetoself

There will always be those kind of people who'll eat you up alive if you continue to keep silent and forever try to be kind and meek. As much as you consistently try to hide your disgust and play nice just so you could avoid offending them, it won't work. These people are just plain bitches and assholes and don't in anyway, deserve to be treated like they are to be pleased. You are not ignorant, nor stupid to just nod your head and pretend a smile just to let them know they make any sense. Because most of the time, they don't. So stand your ground, put up that face that knows better and slap them in the face with the truth -- you will not anymore hold back just so they can shine. Compete and win, because you know you can.

xx,

Raine

This is what's up

(1) Attending a kiddie party with Amber picking her own props for the Photobooth (2) Cuties Amber and Colleen (3) random hug I get while posing for a selfie (4) very rare idle moment (5) goofing around with the best friend

(6) DIY/ DIM acid wash shorts (7) late night playtime with someone who doesn't like her picture be taken (8) is it just me? I really like my hair best in the morning when I just woke up (9) found out I have a tiara on my head just when I was about to take a shower --sneaky Amber

Random photo op with the sweetest

Imma beat you stress!

Words

When life is being hard and work has just taken 90% of my time (hate to divide the remaining to travel time to and from work, sleep and family), nothing makes me any happier than seeing my kid forever jolly, healthy and chatty. I swear not a day goes by that I do not miss her. I do fall in love with her every. single. day. and that is not exaggeration. Someday (if not at present) I hope you'll get to understand what I mean. I am beginning to think I am becoming obsessed of her. But then again maybe most moms are with their kids, or firstborns for that matter. 

What hooks me currently is my fondness for talking to Amber and elicit hilarious, but innocent and honest responses. She's so madaldal and it's funny because she's bulol pa syempre, couldn't pronounce some words correctly, though she has a maarte tone (I know what you're thinking) so it gets me every time. I introduce words to her and their meanings as simple and basic as possible but she gives so much emotion on them as she speak them hence the tone. She's quite a character.

At 2 years and 3 months, Amber can already express what she wants verbally. Generally, Amber still speaks in codes, word after word after word. No conjunctions yet but the good thing is it's quite clear what she wants to communicate. And as a mom, that is much of a help. Unlike when a baby cries (their only form of communication) you have no idea why - hurt? hungry? pooped? and a hundred more hunches. Now, she tells me when she's hurt, including where and what I should do (yes, demanding). When she feels itch on a certain part of her body she'll scratch it and say "Mummy, itchy. Creaaaaammm pleasssssse." and she won't stop until you move. When her tooth aches, she says and act it followed by "Clean teeth. Toothbrush." She can already say it as well when she's going to pee or poop but most times she confuses between the two and uhmmm the timing is still poor. Hahaha! 

Another thing that's also nice about her is that she's cooperative when she mispronounce words or choose the wrong term and I correct her. She'll repeat them with me for a few times and then change mood, then no more. I guess kids her age gets tired easily of these sort of lessons so I stop. And then the next thing I hear her say those words after a few days, she's saying (and associating them) correctly. Amazing (and amusing!) right? With that, I always make it habit of making a conversation with her. When I get home everyday I try to engage her to telling me things like what she did the whole day, or what she ate, or what she watched. At first I try to get responses by saying a sample of what she can tell me like, "did you take a nap this afternoon?" or "have you seen Hi-5 this morning?" and then follow it with a "yes?" "no?". She would just echo each of those things the first few days but after some time I am surprised  I no longer have to answer for her as she would happily respond to me on her own. Presently, when I ask her via phone "What are you doing?" she''ll answer me "Watching TV Show." then followed by "bye." hahahah short attention span pa. 

So no matter how repetitive the answers I get, I never get tired because by frequent conversations they learn to talk and communicate. They learn to express their wants, needs and emotions verbally. Not to mention the amusement you get hearing them utter new words you haven't taught them yet. I get so fired up when I hear her say something I once believe is unfamiliar to her. Or when she corrects me! And did I mention she's so creative and patient acting out the meaning of some words we don't understand her say? She'd patiently repeat them to us until we get it right. Or she'll act it out. Hahaha! Once when commercial about the TV premier of The Little Mermaid at Disney Junior keeps on appearing for weeks, I heard her say 'Memeid' to her dad one evening while they are playing. Jay couldn't understand it so Amber keeps on repeating the word. I was already in bed then when I sat up and look at Amber. I saw her sitting on the Edge of the bed as she moves her legs covered of blanket up and down. "Dad it's mermaid!", I told Jay and we both laugh. I find it so entertaining guessing what Amber is saying as much as knowing how she learned them. It's true that kids her age's mind is like a sponge. They absorb what they hear and see and it's quite a challenge for parents to teach them unlearn some of those that are not good or right for them. That is why it is very important that you watch your words (and actions) when you are with them. They learn so fast and it is such a wonderful feeling knowing they get something from what you tell them, show them or make them feel.

All of these are the things that keeps me going no matter how hard it is to get by a work week. When I had a bad day at the office, I know I'll come home to someone who's so eager to see me and who have waited all day for my phone, este for me pala. Hahaha. When I arrived at the door and she sees me, she'll cheerfully offer what she's currently eating, or tell me what's she watching at the moment. It's never a dull moment with her. No matter how tired and hungry I am when I get home, when she says "Mummy let's play tea party. sit," I am obliged. Seeing how she learns day after day never fails to pinch my heart. It's such a wonderful journey to see her fill her mind and heart all of the good things of the world. Amber and I learn together. We bond through play, we learn through play. And there is nothing in this world that could make me any happier than her. :)

Changes

Yaay! I'm back! Work was being impossible on me for the past couple of months to the point that I'd rather spend my free time with my family. So, blog I'm so sorry for neglecting you lately. It's just that I have been busy with life as usual. But hey, I'm back and that's good right? :)

Don't worry, nothing much has changed, except for a few but significant insights brought about the recent turn of events:

1. Change in priorities.

When I had Amber, I told myself nothing has to change in me much - interests, hobbies and lifestyle. I promise myself not to take things too seriously because I am young and what happened to me does not have a right to take away all that's happy about me. So I spend on things that are superficial. But now I guess reality is being a bitch to me and slapped me in the face telling me to grow up. I guess it worked cause I am beginning to realize the importance of spending for things that really matter - the future. So no more unplanned travels this year I guess. No more sidetrips to the mall cause I still cannot trust myself not to be impulsive. No more sudden pigouts. This is hard but I am most happy to try. Afterall, saving for the future is much, much apealing to me now.

2. Family.

I may have wronged them and scarred them big time in the past but they would always have my back. I make bad choices and my head is just damn hard but they accept me anyway. There are times when I just couldn't stand them, how it seems to me like they are controlling my life and deciding everything for myself. But these are just the things that sets me straight. I just realized that no matter how many days come and make me feel like I don't wanna be in their shadows any more, I would always be part of their lives. And when mine gets twisted and dirty, they are the ones who would no doubt pick me up and take away what hurts in their own little ways.

3. Amber.

You have no idea how each day I grow more and more in love with her. I just couldn't get enough of her, could kiss her all day everyday and still crave for more. It's just amazing, and overwhelming and unbelievable how you could feel such love for another person. It's seriously crazy. She makes me do things no one ever does. She makes me sing! and dance! and make silly faces and go around the house running or playing hide and seek. Or be pulled down to the floor and pretend drinking tea or eating cake. Cheezuz, it's crazy. Guess you would never really appreciate kids (well for me who utterly dislikes them back then) when you already have one. And the one that stands out of these, is the thought of wanting to give her all of the best in the world. That's enough to keep me moving forward, brush off a bad day in the office or a bad argument with his dad(yeah I just really need to include that lol), or the occasional visit of self pity. She's my world. I could regret a lot of things in my life but not having her.

4. Blog.

Sum up all three above and that's just about what you'll have to be expecting here from now on. More serious stuff to share - about me on being a mom (a working one) and still a 20 something girl who'd rather watch the world from the side.


Xx

Blank

I have been recently forming a habit of staring blankly ahead. A stare that later on transcends that of what is in front. The next thing I know I almost get past my drop off point. Or forgot that I still have works to do. Or that my cooking is almost burnt. Most of the time, what makes me snap back to reality is the fact that there is already a puddle of tears brimming in my eyes. Uninvited, threatening to fall anytime. It's just so effin' hard trying to stop that impending sea of emotion crawling to surface. Demanding itself to be felt. I fight back incessantly. Thank gaad I'm still sane to know when it's coming that I immediately shut it off and get back to reality. Then I suddenly can see the tangibles that's in front of me. The wall. Or the window. Or the people around. 

No. I refuse to breakdown. I refuse to face it no matter how true it is now. 

I called the shots. There's no backing out. No rewinds. No crtl+z. 

This is what I want. This is what I need. No matter how hard. No matter how uncertain. No matter how painful. Just forward. No looking back. Stay on track. 

Just straight ahead, alone or not, I'll get there. 

Xx

A feeling of stationary lingers.
Immobile. Helpless. Where to?
Do we even look at the same direction?
Do we even have the same dream to begin with?

Pop me the question and I wouldn't even know the answer. 

March 2013

Some random snapshot on my phone from the past weeks of hiatus from this blog.

Bagasbas Beach * chill * clears sky * Amber loving the waves  * sand * clouds * polaroid * sunnies * smiles * pool * Codie * frienemies * Amber getting the hang of writing * Goofing around in bed with Amber love * 51 years of family tradition * wacky * Leggo * rainbow

Fridate with Jay * Trying out Yakimix * walkathon at BGC 

Saturdate OOTD

Sorry I just had to include this cause I am so in love with how my hair looks like now. Hooray for volume and end curl!

Until the next. Bisou xx

Horizon

Sea breeze against my skin.  Soothing feel of the sands under my feet. Salt water that never fails to pacify the endless thoughts yelling inside my head. It's as if I can't hide from the stoking call of the ocean. This ultimately fires up the wanderlust in me, fueling my drive to travel and see the world reflecting from its clear waters. Seeing the breathtaking spread of the sky on its reflection in the stretch of glistening seawater in the shore, these shots brings about countless beautiful memories, both happy and sad. There's just something about this sight that brings me to my melancholic senses. Looking far into that thin line, occasionally graced by mountains, houses or waves, otherwise known as horizon, stirs me away from reality. It's a dreamily kind of feeling that I am seemingly being taken away from the noise of the present. 

A date between the sky and the sea. 

Calming and Cathartic. 

*These photos were taken 3 years ago at Bagasbas Beach, Camarines Norte. I happened to come across them whilst organizing files in my laptop

Photos by Mark Basinang

image from the net

Trulalooo. 

Read: The Art Or Racing In The Rain

Googled image

I was listening to The Morning Rush one workday morning when I heard one of the DJs, Chico Garcia mention this book and how it brought him to tears the moment he finished the last page. I was then looking for a new book to start on and so I immediately searched a pdf copy in the net and yeheeey on to my new read!

To give you a gist, here's the synopsis from the ever reliable Wikipedia lol:

The novel follows the story of Denny Swift, a race car driver living in Seattle, and his dog Enzo, who believes in the Mongolian legend that a dog who is prepared will be reincarnated in his next life as a human.  Enzo sets out to prepare, with The Seattle Times calling his journey "a struggle to hone his humanness, to make sense of the good, the bad and the unthinkable."

Enzo spends his days watching and learning from television, gleaning what he can about his owner's greatest passion, race car driving — and relating it to life. Enzo eventually plays a key role in Denny's child-custody battle with his in-laws, and distills his observations of the human condition in the mantra "that which you manifest is before you".

This book is inspiring and heart warming. Taking the dog's perspective to narrate a truly wonderful story of a family and a father who stopped at nothing winning the custody of her daughter, this book is a refreshing way of looking into human experience. Enzo, the dog narrating the story of his race car driver master, Denny,  believes he's going to be human in his next life. So he did all his best learning how humans live by watching the television Denny leaves running for him when he gets to work everyday. If only he could talk, he would be the best confidante and friend Denny could ever have. He was, nonetheless. 

Have you ever wondered if our dogs, or should I say our pets, have the ability to talk, what would they tell us? And even if they didn't, have it ever crossed your mind what's running inside their heads? They do have their personalities and preferences. You can't always dictate them what you want them to do. I remember our Skipper, a golden retriever who died 2 years ago, gave us so much amusement by his antics and unique personality. He would be so playful and sweet, always wanting to sit on our laps (not to mention his gigantic size and weight) one time, and be so snob and lazy the next. He's also suplado, he won't respond to strangers calling his name, or even to me when I make lambing later on just because I didn't let him inside the house earlier that day. He would also make dabog when he doesn't get what he wants. He's so hilarious so it's hard to get mad at him even if he always destroy all our slippers at home. 

Let me tell you Skipper's story because Enzo really got me inspired on that book. Skipper has always been a sibling to me. My brother got us Skipper as a gift to my mom when he and our eldest brother started working and is always out of the house. Skipper became our constant companion and a consistent playmate and buddy to me. He is so adorable as a puppy. Playful and friendly. He's sooooo maloko! He has a lot of mischievous acts that's hard to have him punished. Definitely not a guard dog cause he's so senorito. He's a lazybutt and you can't shove him to stand no mater how hard you try. He's been with us for 5 years. He died when I was 4 months pregnant with Amber. He has always been with my mom when all of us are busy with our lives. I remember our last Christmas with him, when he was struggling with an aching leg. He would not move. He would not get up. Partly maybe because he doesn't wanna get pushed outside the house, and partly because he really can't stand in that weight with an aching leg. But when we were all getting ready for our annual Christmas family picture, he stood up and sit beside me, getting ready to be included in the picture as well. We were all laughing crazily because we all thought he couldn't get up. Despite the obvious struggle in walking, he would follow us around the house wherever we take pictures. Skipper really had something humanly in him. Always wanting to be part of the family.

He got better after that Christmas. After all the Vet said there's nothing wrong with him, just a sprain in his ankle. But one morning I got a phone call from my mom sobbing nonstop. I already had an idea but it's something I can't prepare myself to accept instantly. Skipper died that morning when my mom ran out of the house to get to the Vet because she couldn't contact his phone. Skipper couldn't get up anymore. And it's no joke. My mom told me that before she left, she told Skipper to hang on, she'll just call Doc Rafer. Before she got out of the gate, she glanced back at Skipper lying on the floor, staring sadly back at her. That's a memory that brings my mom to tears instantly even now.   When my mom got back with the Vet, he's already gone. Even the Vet couldn't tell what caused. 

I was crying on the phone with my mom when she told me Skip's gone. I was crying like I lost a family member. Like I lost a brother. I couldn't imagine going home, opening the gate without skipper jumping at me. Without Skipper eating my assignments. Without Skipper playfully biting my hands, asking me to play with him. Without Skipper, that simple. After a while, my mom told me to stop crying, it's not good for Amber and me. She told me to not think too much of what happened. When we got the chance to talk about it after some time, she told me maybe it's for the better after all. We're expecting for Amber and after college we'll be staying in Manila. No one's going to look after Skipper and Codie, his son when we move. That's actually what's bothering my mom for the last months before Skipper died. She thought Skipper's passing paved way for Amber's arrival. What happened made everything a lot easier for all of us. We only have Codie to have someone look after him while we're away. Maybe Skipper doesn't wanna cause additional burden, additional worry to over think about. It may sound absurd and nonsensical but that's what I wanted to believe as well.

Enzo fantasized of finding Denny when he becomes a man. He wanted to say hi and wink at Denny, making him wonder if he knew him. That makes me wonder too, what if skip is human now? Don't laugh at me in this absurdity but there are times I would see skipper in Amber. She has these characteristics closely similar of those of Skipper. She's suplada, she's pilya and she's got a unique personality of her own that reminds me of Skip when he's still with us. Maybe it's coincidence. But maybe it's like Enzo on that little boy. Or maybe it's just the book that pinched my heart too much I'm over analyzing. Hahaha. Whatever.

Try the book. It's a nice read. :))

Ciao,
xx Raine

#randomthought1.1

My eyes are tired. And so is my heart.

#randomthought

I wish I am that strong to raise my child by myself and be not afraid to let go of what doesn't seem to work anymore.

Happiness is...

And Indeed. 

This year, I promise to start doing things on my own and stop relying on other people to make me feel good. I have been dependent all my life and maybe I am causing too much burden to these people trying to drag them to my lifestyle. 

I didn't have a sister, nor did I grow up with cousins whose ages are close as mine, whom I can play, share secrets and giggle about crushes with. I get used to playing games by myself. Some days,  my mom would bribe my playmates/ neighbor to eat or sleepover at our house just to have me someone to play with. Most of the time I send them home crying. lol. But yeah, true story. I was such a brat then. Well just sometimes. And they do come play with me again the next day, okay? Oh little kids. 

So you see, all my life I have been used to making myself preoccupied and happy as a kid alone. I was already a student when I started playing outside the house and making friends on my own. In between those times, my mom has been my sister as well. She'll go with me wherever I wanna go. And even if I want to try to go alone, she'll insist on coming with me. I was already in my third year in HS (I guess) when I finally learned to sleep alone with the lights off. I was so dependent on her. I feel so incomplete without her and I know that's not healthy. Being too much dependent on anyone never was healthy. 

And as we go on in life we meet people who eventually become part of our lives. As the relationship that we share with them gets deeper and deeper, it's becoming inevitable to get attached to them. And here I am again. Being clingy and needy like a baby. Couldn't get to someplace alone. Afraid to try something new alone. Couldn't make decision alone. Shit, right? I am so annoying and immature in this sense. Always been afraid to be on my own. And that's the very reason why I am always holding back. I couldn't move forward and get risky. I always need someone else's safety blanket. Soooooooo LAME. In all sense of the word. On the good side though is that I am aware of it. And now, this year I think I am ready to go exploring all by myself. It is difficult for me that is why I take it as a challenge to let go and thread by myself. I can't forever be dragging people to be part of my life and force them to fit in my lifestyle. I can't be that selfish for the rest of my life. And as the picture say, "happiness is an inside job". Instead of constantly being disappointed because I expect other people to create my own happiness, I should have realized long ago that there's no better one who can fulfill that bliss but myself.

I remember an acquaintance once told me that some people are better with a partner, some are just by themselves. It's true. But I guess you can be better having both, not just at the same time. I mean you can go miles happier with a partner but not all the time. Some time you'll want to just be by yourself too and that's what makes it healthy. You have time being a partner and you have time being you. You don't have to make one person your world because they can leave any time they want and that'll leave you with nothing. Cliche. But believe me it took me years to shove it down my throat and get my lazy ass to do the necessary. So! Hello self! We'll be spending so much time with each other in the coming months, get yourself together and just ride with me, k? :))). Thanks to the photo above for pushing me start finding happiness where it should really come from, inside. Asuuuuuuus. hahaha. And whoever you are reading this, I hope you got inspired too. :))

Cheers!

Rainee