#randomthought

I wish I am that strong to raise my child by myself and be not afraid to let go of what doesn't seem to work anymore.

Happiness is...

And Indeed. 

This year, I promise to start doing things on my own and stop relying on other people to make me feel good. I have been dependent all my life and maybe I am causing too much burden to these people trying to drag them to my lifestyle. 

I didn't have a sister, nor did I grow up with cousins whose ages are close as mine, whom I can play, share secrets and giggle about crushes with. I get used to playing games by myself. Some days,  my mom would bribe my playmates/ neighbor to eat or sleepover at our house just to have me someone to play with. Most of the time I send them home crying. lol. But yeah, true story. I was such a brat then. Well just sometimes. And they do come play with me again the next day, okay? Oh little kids. 

So you see, all my life I have been used to making myself preoccupied and happy as a kid alone. I was already a student when I started playing outside the house and making friends on my own. In between those times, my mom has been my sister as well. She'll go with me wherever I wanna go. And even if I want to try to go alone, she'll insist on coming with me. I was already in my third year in HS (I guess) when I finally learned to sleep alone with the lights off. I was so dependent on her. I feel so incomplete without her and I know that's not healthy. Being too much dependent on anyone never was healthy. 

And as we go on in life we meet people who eventually become part of our lives. As the relationship that we share with them gets deeper and deeper, it's becoming inevitable to get attached to them. And here I am again. Being clingy and needy like a baby. Couldn't get to someplace alone. Afraid to try something new alone. Couldn't make decision alone. Shit, right? I am so annoying and immature in this sense. Always been afraid to be on my own. And that's the very reason why I am always holding back. I couldn't move forward and get risky. I always need someone else's safety blanket. Soooooooo LAME. In all sense of the word. On the good side though is that I am aware of it. And now, this year I think I am ready to go exploring all by myself. It is difficult for me that is why I take it as a challenge to let go and thread by myself. I can't forever be dragging people to be part of my life and force them to fit in my lifestyle. I can't be that selfish for the rest of my life. And as the picture say, "happiness is an inside job". Instead of constantly being disappointed because I expect other people to create my own happiness, I should have realized long ago that there's no better one who can fulfill that bliss but myself.

I remember an acquaintance once told me that some people are better with a partner, some are just by themselves. It's true. But I guess you can be better having both, not just at the same time. I mean you can go miles happier with a partner but not all the time. Some time you'll want to just be by yourself too and that's what makes it healthy. You have time being a partner and you have time being you. You don't have to make one person your world because they can leave any time they want and that'll leave you with nothing. Cliche. But believe me it took me years to shove it down my throat and get my lazy ass to do the necessary. So! Hello self! We'll be spending so much time with each other in the coming months, get yourself together and just ride with me, k? :))). Thanks to the photo above for pushing me start finding happiness where it should really come from, inside. Asuuuuuuus. hahaha. And whoever you are reading this, I hope you got inspired too. :))

Cheers!

Rainee