Changes

Yaay! I'm back! Work was being impossible on me for the past couple of months to the point that I'd rather spend my free time with my family. So, blog I'm so sorry for neglecting you lately. It's just that I have been busy with life as usual. But hey, I'm back and that's good right? :)

Don't worry, nothing much has changed, except for a few but significant insights brought about the recent turn of events:

1. Change in priorities.

When I had Amber, I told myself nothing has to change in me much - interests, hobbies and lifestyle. I promise myself not to take things too seriously because I am young and what happened to me does not have a right to take away all that's happy about me. So I spend on things that are superficial. But now I guess reality is being a bitch to me and slapped me in the face telling me to grow up. I guess it worked cause I am beginning to realize the importance of spending for things that really matter - the future. So no more unplanned travels this year I guess. No more sidetrips to the mall cause I still cannot trust myself not to be impulsive. No more sudden pigouts. This is hard but I am most happy to try. Afterall, saving for the future is much, much apealing to me now.

2. Family.

I may have wronged them and scarred them big time in the past but they would always have my back. I make bad choices and my head is just damn hard but they accept me anyway. There are times when I just couldn't stand them, how it seems to me like they are controlling my life and deciding everything for myself. But these are just the things that sets me straight. I just realized that no matter how many days come and make me feel like I don't wanna be in their shadows any more, I would always be part of their lives. And when mine gets twisted and dirty, they are the ones who would no doubt pick me up and take away what hurts in their own little ways.

3. Amber.

You have no idea how each day I grow more and more in love with her. I just couldn't get enough of her, could kiss her all day everyday and still crave for more. It's just amazing, and overwhelming and unbelievable how you could feel such love for another person. It's seriously crazy. She makes me do things no one ever does. She makes me sing! and dance! and make silly faces and go around the house running or playing hide and seek. Or be pulled down to the floor and pretend drinking tea or eating cake. Cheezuz, it's crazy. Guess you would never really appreciate kids (well for me who utterly dislikes them back then) when you already have one. And the one that stands out of these, is the thought of wanting to give her all of the best in the world. That's enough to keep me moving forward, brush off a bad day in the office or a bad argument with his dad(yeah I just really need to include that lol), or the occasional visit of self pity. She's my world. I could regret a lot of things in my life but not having her.

4. Blog.

Sum up all three above and that's just about what you'll have to be expecting here from now on. More serious stuff to share - about me on being a mom (a working one) and still a 20 something girl who'd rather watch the world from the side.


Xx

Blank

I have been recently forming a habit of staring blankly ahead. A stare that later on transcends that of what is in front. The next thing I know I almost get past my drop off point. Or forgot that I still have works to do. Or that my cooking is almost burnt. Most of the time, what makes me snap back to reality is the fact that there is already a puddle of tears brimming in my eyes. Uninvited, threatening to fall anytime. It's just so effin' hard trying to stop that impending sea of emotion crawling to surface. Demanding itself to be felt. I fight back incessantly. Thank gaad I'm still sane to know when it's coming that I immediately shut it off and get back to reality. Then I suddenly can see the tangibles that's in front of me. The wall. Or the window. Or the people around. 

No. I refuse to breakdown. I refuse to face it no matter how true it is now. 

I called the shots. There's no backing out. No rewinds. No crtl+z. 

This is what I want. This is what I need. No matter how hard. No matter how uncertain. No matter how painful. Just forward. No looking back. Stay on track. 

Just straight ahead, alone or not, I'll get there. 

Xx

A feeling of stationary lingers.
Immobile. Helpless. Where to?
Do we even look at the same direction?
Do we even have the same dream to begin with?

Pop me the question and I wouldn't even know the answer. 

March 2013

Some random snapshot on my phone from the past weeks of hiatus from this blog.

Bagasbas Beach * chill * clears sky * Amber loving the waves  * sand * clouds * polaroid * sunnies * smiles * pool * Codie * frienemies * Amber getting the hang of writing * Goofing around in bed with Amber love * 51 years of family tradition * wacky * Leggo * rainbow

Fridate with Jay * Trying out Yakimix * walkathon at BGC 

Saturdate OOTD

Sorry I just had to include this cause I am so in love with how my hair looks like now. Hooray for volume and end curl!

Until the next. Bisou xx

Horizon

Sea breeze against my skin.  Soothing feel of the sands under my feet. Salt water that never fails to pacify the endless thoughts yelling inside my head. It's as if I can't hide from the stoking call of the ocean. This ultimately fires up the wanderlust in me, fueling my drive to travel and see the world reflecting from its clear waters. Seeing the breathtaking spread of the sky on its reflection in the stretch of glistening seawater in the shore, these shots brings about countless beautiful memories, both happy and sad. There's just something about this sight that brings me to my melancholic senses. Looking far into that thin line, occasionally graced by mountains, houses or waves, otherwise known as horizon, stirs me away from reality. It's a dreamily kind of feeling that I am seemingly being taken away from the noise of the present. 

A date between the sky and the sea. 

Calming and Cathartic. 

*These photos were taken 3 years ago at Bagasbas Beach, Camarines Norte. I happened to come across them whilst organizing files in my laptop

Photos by Mark Basinang

image from the net

Trulalooo. 

Read: The Art Or Racing In The Rain

Googled image

I was listening to The Morning Rush one workday morning when I heard one of the DJs, Chico Garcia mention this book and how it brought him to tears the moment he finished the last page. I was then looking for a new book to start on and so I immediately searched a pdf copy in the net and yeheeey on to my new read!

To give you a gist, here's the synopsis from the ever reliable Wikipedia lol:

The novel follows the story of Denny Swift, a race car driver living in Seattle, and his dog Enzo, who believes in the Mongolian legend that a dog who is prepared will be reincarnated in his next life as a human.  Enzo sets out to prepare, with The Seattle Times calling his journey "a struggle to hone his humanness, to make sense of the good, the bad and the unthinkable."

Enzo spends his days watching and learning from television, gleaning what he can about his owner's greatest passion, race car driving — and relating it to life. Enzo eventually plays a key role in Denny's child-custody battle with his in-laws, and distills his observations of the human condition in the mantra "that which you manifest is before you".

This book is inspiring and heart warming. Taking the dog's perspective to narrate a truly wonderful story of a family and a father who stopped at nothing winning the custody of her daughter, this book is a refreshing way of looking into human experience. Enzo, the dog narrating the story of his race car driver master, Denny,  believes he's going to be human in his next life. So he did all his best learning how humans live by watching the television Denny leaves running for him when he gets to work everyday. If only he could talk, he would be the best confidante and friend Denny could ever have. He was, nonetheless. 

Have you ever wondered if our dogs, or should I say our pets, have the ability to talk, what would they tell us? And even if they didn't, have it ever crossed your mind what's running inside their heads? They do have their personalities and preferences. You can't always dictate them what you want them to do. I remember our Skipper, a golden retriever who died 2 years ago, gave us so much amusement by his antics and unique personality. He would be so playful and sweet, always wanting to sit on our laps (not to mention his gigantic size and weight) one time, and be so snob and lazy the next. He's also suplado, he won't respond to strangers calling his name, or even to me when I make lambing later on just because I didn't let him inside the house earlier that day. He would also make dabog when he doesn't get what he wants. He's so hilarious so it's hard to get mad at him even if he always destroy all our slippers at home. 

Let me tell you Skipper's story because Enzo really got me inspired on that book. Skipper has always been a sibling to me. My brother got us Skipper as a gift to my mom when he and our eldest brother started working and is always out of the house. Skipper became our constant companion and a consistent playmate and buddy to me. He is so adorable as a puppy. Playful and friendly. He's sooooo maloko! He has a lot of mischievous acts that's hard to have him punished. Definitely not a guard dog cause he's so senorito. He's a lazybutt and you can't shove him to stand no mater how hard you try. He's been with us for 5 years. He died when I was 4 months pregnant with Amber. He has always been with my mom when all of us are busy with our lives. I remember our last Christmas with him, when he was struggling with an aching leg. He would not move. He would not get up. Partly maybe because he doesn't wanna get pushed outside the house, and partly because he really can't stand in that weight with an aching leg. But when we were all getting ready for our annual Christmas family picture, he stood up and sit beside me, getting ready to be included in the picture as well. We were all laughing crazily because we all thought he couldn't get up. Despite the obvious struggle in walking, he would follow us around the house wherever we take pictures. Skipper really had something humanly in him. Always wanting to be part of the family.

He got better after that Christmas. After all the Vet said there's nothing wrong with him, just a sprain in his ankle. But one morning I got a phone call from my mom sobbing nonstop. I already had an idea but it's something I can't prepare myself to accept instantly. Skipper died that morning when my mom ran out of the house to get to the Vet because she couldn't contact his phone. Skipper couldn't get up anymore. And it's no joke. My mom told me that before she left, she told Skipper to hang on, she'll just call Doc Rafer. Before she got out of the gate, she glanced back at Skipper lying on the floor, staring sadly back at her. That's a memory that brings my mom to tears instantly even now.   When my mom got back with the Vet, he's already gone. Even the Vet couldn't tell what caused. 

I was crying on the phone with my mom when she told me Skip's gone. I was crying like I lost a family member. Like I lost a brother. I couldn't imagine going home, opening the gate without skipper jumping at me. Without Skipper eating my assignments. Without Skipper playfully biting my hands, asking me to play with him. Without Skipper, that simple. After a while, my mom told me to stop crying, it's not good for Amber and me. She told me to not think too much of what happened. When we got the chance to talk about it after some time, she told me maybe it's for the better after all. We're expecting for Amber and after college we'll be staying in Manila. No one's going to look after Skipper and Codie, his son when we move. That's actually what's bothering my mom for the last months before Skipper died. She thought Skipper's passing paved way for Amber's arrival. What happened made everything a lot easier for all of us. We only have Codie to have someone look after him while we're away. Maybe Skipper doesn't wanna cause additional burden, additional worry to over think about. It may sound absurd and nonsensical but that's what I wanted to believe as well.

Enzo fantasized of finding Denny when he becomes a man. He wanted to say hi and wink at Denny, making him wonder if he knew him. That makes me wonder too, what if skip is human now? Don't laugh at me in this absurdity but there are times I would see skipper in Amber. She has these characteristics closely similar of those of Skipper. She's suplada, she's pilya and she's got a unique personality of her own that reminds me of Skip when he's still with us. Maybe it's coincidence. But maybe it's like Enzo on that little boy. Or maybe it's just the book that pinched my heart too much I'm over analyzing. Hahaha. Whatever.

Try the book. It's a nice read. :))

Ciao,
xx Raine